Mamie Jones: Pet Loss Grief – Understanding Disenfranchised Grief and Coping Strategies| E59

[00:00:00] So people don't understand that when that pet is gone, that it leaves a, not only a big physical hole in your life, but it leaves an emotional, truly emotional impact.

[00:00:21] Welcome to the Pet Care Report Podcast by Pet Summits. Here's your natural dog healthcare host, Alora McKinley.

[00:00:28] G'day guys, welcome back to another episode. Now we've spoken about pet loss on previous episodes of the podcast and ways we can process that grief.

[00:00:37] But it's not news that not all our associates view pet loss as the same as maybe losing a family member or someone we love.

[00:00:45] And this is especially valid for most workplaces.

[00:00:48] And so today I'm going to be chatting to Mamie Jones, who is a licensed professional counselor based in Georgia, specializing in grief support and pet loss.

[00:00:58] As a mother, a pet lover and a private practice owner, she advocates for recognizing pet loss in the workplace.

[00:01:05] An accomplished author and speaker, Mamie is passionate about helping individuals navigate disenfranchised grief.

[00:01:12] Thank you so much for joining me today.

[00:01:14] You're welcome. Thank you for having me.

[00:01:17] Now, before we get into chatting about how we can support pet loss in the workplace, which I know it's something that you're super passionate about,

[00:01:25] can you explain why pet loss is often overlooked as a valid form of grief?

[00:01:29] Well, because people don't understand it. I always talk about how people.

[00:01:34] So pet ownership business is a $58 billion industry.

[00:01:39] Now there are more pets in household than there are children.

[00:01:43] So they are all on board with owning pets and, you know, fur babies and all along that.

[00:01:50] But when it comes to losing that baby, they don't understand how people can like they think it's just a cat.

[00:01:58] It's just a dog. It's just a bird.

[00:02:00] Like there's no way you are actually grieving about that particular, you know, animal when they don't realize that this animal is in your house 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

[00:02:14] It's a perpetual baby.

[00:02:17] You know, you patting your life around taking care of your pet.

[00:02:23] So people don't understand that when that pet is gone, that it leaves a not only a big physical hole in your life, but it leaves an emotional, truly emotional impact.

[00:02:36] Even somebody who's lost a pet feels ashamed that they are crying about a dog or crying about a cat that's gone.

[00:02:45] You know, so they are ashamed that people are going to make fun of them or talk about them or think that they should get on with their life.

[00:02:52] And so therefore they kind of hold those feelings inside and they actually go at it alone.

[00:02:59] And not everybody's on board with honoring the loss of a pet.

[00:03:03] And that's a terrible stigma that we really need to take away because it causes people to, you know, keep those feelings inside.

[00:03:10] And we know what terrible effects that can have on someone's mental health.

[00:03:14] So how can parents honor these feelings that they're feeling?

[00:03:18] Wow. First of all, acknowledge it.

[00:03:20] You know, acknowledge the fact that whatever feeling come up, I always say set a plate at the table for each one of those feelings.

[00:03:29] Give whatever feeling that you have, give it their 15 minutes of fame and, you know, honor that feeling.

[00:03:35] Like your feelings are valid.

[00:03:37] You know, it matters that you are feeling sad, that you're depressed, that you're angry.

[00:03:42] Whatever phase of grief that you're going through, what you can do is just, first of all, honor it.

[00:03:49] You know, don't pretend that it does not exist.

[00:03:52] And don't be ashamed of it.

[00:03:53] You know, talk about it.

[00:03:55] Talk about it to whoever will listen to you.

[00:03:57] You know, reach out to people who are, like myself, pet loss experts or their support groups.

[00:04:05] And, you know, I see a lot of times on social media.

[00:04:09] I'm on a lot of pet loss grief support groups on social media.

[00:04:13] And they really feel like they don't have anybody that they can talk to, anybody that understands what they're going through.

[00:04:22] But if they really think about it, a lot of people understand what they're going through because they've gone through it themselves.

[00:04:30] So I think just honoring, acknowledging that you do feel this way and that it's okay.

[00:04:37] It's valid.

[00:04:38] Your feelings are valid about grief.

[00:04:42] You know, there's no need to feel ashamed.

[00:04:44] That is, to me, the first step.

[00:04:47] Like, you know, don't allow anybody to tell you that, you know, you should get over it.

[00:04:52] You know, you go through the same process as, you know, you're losing a loved one.

[00:04:58] You know, because this is a love being.

[00:05:01] This is a love being.

[00:05:03] Yeah.

[00:05:03] So I think my first order of business for individuals going through this is to really acknowledge that this is a true pain that I'm dealing with.

[00:05:14] This is not something that, you know, I read about in the newspaper, seen about on TV.

[00:05:18] I'm actually experiencing this myself.

[00:05:20] And it's unbelievable.

[00:05:22] I've seen a lot of people in therapy.

[00:05:24] They are just almost, like I said, feel ashamed for feeling the way that they do.

[00:05:29] So, you know, the first, like I said, first order of business is to acknowledge your pain.

[00:05:33] Are there any rituals that pet parents can adopt to help them cope with this grief?

[00:05:37] I know you briefly mentioned one before, but are there any?

[00:05:40] Well, a lot of things that they can do.

[00:05:42] They can, you know, create a ritual, first of all, a daily ritual, even if it's, you know, when your pet first passed away.

[00:05:50] They just, you know, take the same walk that you took with your pet.

[00:05:54] And you could join a pet loss support group, online or physical pet loss support group.

[00:06:01] You could create a memorial in your household.

[00:06:04] I had a client who lost their parrot.

[00:06:07] And believe it or not, that was the first time I had ever met anybody who owned a parrot that passed away.

[00:06:14] And I was like, oh my God, parrots.

[00:06:16] I mean, do you get cozy with the parrot like you do with a dog or a cat or something like that?

[00:06:22] It was just mind-blowing to me that somebody had a parrot.

[00:06:25] They had the same kind of feelings I had when my pet died.

[00:06:28] So I, you know, suggested to him that he go to a parrot rescue.

[00:06:33] You know, volunteer at a parrot rescue.

[00:06:35] You could volunteer at the shelter.

[00:06:37] You know, they always need, you can take blankets, towels, anything that, that can help other pets, you know, in, in shelters like situations.

[00:06:50] Go to a therapist, you know, that one that understands.

[00:06:54] Talk to family members who knew your pet.

[00:06:57] Those are some rituals that you can do on a daily basis.

[00:07:00] Like I said, the key is to not keep it bottled in, to really talk about it, to get it out, get your feelings out.

[00:07:07] It makes it real.

[00:07:09] That's an interesting story about your client with a parrot because I know, I can imagine I would struggle to imagine that they had the same connection they did with, that I have with my dog.

[00:07:20] How can pet parents navigate that challenge of not receiving understanding or support from others when they've lost a pet of any kind?

[00:07:27] You just have to be true to yourself.

[00:07:29] Like you have to find the right community to talk about this stuff with.

[00:07:34] And I know that as a therapist, when that person came to me initially, you know, and I had started this, a Rainbow Bridge crisis services where, because when I lost, when I had to put my dog down, that's big Tyson in the back, back there.

[00:07:51] I had to put him down.

[00:07:52] You see behind me?

[00:07:53] Yep.

[00:07:53] Yep.

[00:07:54] That's big Ty had to put him down.

[00:07:55] Yeah.

[00:07:55] Yeah.

[00:07:56] So when I lost him, I was at the, I had to take him to the vet myself.

[00:08:01] I didn't have anybody with me.

[00:08:03] And I was like, oh my God, this is so crazy.

[00:08:06] But my sister called.

[00:08:07] So I had support.

[00:08:08] But I thought about people not having any kind of support at all when they have to go to put their pets down.

[00:08:15] And it's so devastating that I was like, oh my God.

[00:08:18] So I started the Rainbow Bridge crisis service just for that, to help people.

[00:08:23] So I think just acknowledging the fact that this is real.

[00:08:27] You know, I have to make a decision about this, to put this pet down.

[00:08:31] So just being able to acknowledge the fact that you had a being in your life that you loved for however many years and you had to put them down.

[00:08:43] Find people that are in your community.

[00:08:46] If you have to go to your vet, to talk to your veterinarian about pet loss.

[00:08:50] If you can go, the crematoriums have like counselors, some, some crematoriums have counselors available.

[00:08:58] I think being able to talk about it, talk about the pain that you're experiencing helps a lot.

[00:09:04] So that, I think that that's a key component to at least approaching, even if they don't, like, I didn't understand pet birds.

[00:09:13] Like, I did not understand birds, but I understand pet loss.

[00:09:17] And so when he explained to me the personality of the birds.

[00:09:22] So I got, I was like, oh my God, like, and saw pictures.

[00:09:25] That's one of the things that I love to do in therapy is I want to see, I want to hear all the stories.

[00:09:31] I want to see pictures.

[00:09:32] I want you to talk about this being, this pet that you love so much.

[00:09:37] Well, you know, what about him that you love so much?

[00:09:39] What were some quirky things that he did?

[00:09:42] What's the funniest things that he did?

[00:09:44] You know, saw videos so I could just feel what you felt in being in the presence of that animal that you love so much.

[00:09:53] So I think finding someone who understands you, even if they've not experienced it,

[00:09:58] but understand what you're dealing with could be very helpful.

[00:10:03] I really like that point you made because sometimes we don't have someone close to us,

[00:10:08] but we can reach out whether it's on social media, whether it's contacting a grief counselor via Zoom or doing an online call.

[00:10:15] There's so many options these days for pet parents to talk about it.

[00:10:18] Mm-hmm.

[00:10:19] So to me, sometimes, even when I'm looking at the social media pages, it seems so cold and standoffish.

[00:10:28] And, you know, you just almost like want to hug these individuals who, you know, who are dealing with this.

[00:10:35] But it just feels so, I feel so bad for the pet parents out here who lost and just really don't have anybody at all that they could talk to

[00:10:45] or any money to pay for therapy or anything like that.

[00:10:50] Because I've reached out to a few people on these social media posts and they were across the world.

[00:10:55] And they, you know, they just couldn't.

[00:10:59] The only thing I could do is just send them, you know, virtual hugs and, you know, try to assure them that, you know, it's going to be okay.

[00:11:07] But also, let me say this, I work in the emergency room at a major hospital here and I do psychiatric evaluations.

[00:11:15] And I've known individuals who have committed suicide because their pet died.

[00:11:21] So when I say it's serious, it's very, very, very serious, you know, and I want everybody to know.

[00:11:28] You don't have to be alone in this whole grief thing.

[00:11:32] You don't have to be alone.

[00:11:34] And in your professional opinion, obviously, you've met with a lot of people and helped them through the grief.

[00:11:40] What impact does this have on their workplace needs?

[00:11:44] Because obviously, they still need to go to work.

[00:11:45] We all need to make an income.

[00:11:47] But what impact does this have?

[00:11:49] Well, so my, I have a whole, and I have not figured out how to navigate it yet, but I have a whole idea of disenfranchised grief training with human resources, resource offices or personnel to help them understand that if you have an employee that has lost a pet, it is critical that they receive support.

[00:12:16] So my goal is to reach out to human resources across the world to do this training.

[00:12:23] I want them to be able to, I want people to be able to take two or three days off just as if they would need for a human, if someone died and they took grief, time off to grieve.

[00:12:36] I would love for employers to understand the importance of employee health when their pet passes away, because that's all that they can think about.

[00:12:46] And I've had people who have had to take leave of absences from their jobs because of that, because the employers did not understand that this is what I'm dealing with.

[00:12:56] I'm dealing with, I lost my pet.

[00:12:57] This is like my best friend.

[00:12:59] I don't have anybody else.

[00:13:00] You know, this is what I come home to every day, you know, and so that person, that being is gone, of course, is going to impact my work.

[00:13:08] It's going to impact how I interact with my coworkers.

[00:13:11] And long-term health as well.

[00:13:12] You need to, you need to be able to acknowledge those feelings sometimes.

[00:13:16] Oh yeah.

[00:13:17] Now, if there's one thing that our listeners should take away from this episode, what do you think that should be?

[00:13:22] One thing that they can take away is that their feelings are valid.

[00:13:29] You have a right to grieve the loss of your pet.

[00:13:33] You don't have to be ashamed.

[00:13:35] You don't have to grieve alone.

[00:13:37] You don't have to feel like you're on an island that nobody understands that, you know, I don't feel like I need to talk about it because I don't want people to look at me strange.

[00:13:48] I want them to just realize that their feelings are valid and it's okay.

[00:13:53] It truly is okay.

[00:13:55] You know, you don't have to hide in your grief.

[00:13:59] You don't have to feel alone.

[00:14:01] A very important message.

[00:14:02] I really like that.

[00:14:04] Thank you so much, Mamie, for joining me today for this episode.

[00:14:06] If our listeners want to find you, we'll reach out to you.

[00:14:09] Do you have any social media or any websites that they could find you on?

[00:14:13] Yes, I have a website, MamieJonesTherapy.com.

[00:14:17] I have, I'm doing a, it's called a 90-day, I've written a book called Pet Loss Healing Planner.

[00:14:26] It's a Pet Loss Healing Planner.

[00:14:28] So every day I'm going on YouTube, it's Comforting Pet Loss Creations.

[00:14:34] This is my YouTube channel.

[00:14:35] And I'm going through, I'm giving tips every day on YouTube for the next 90 days on pet loss and healing and what you can do.

[00:14:44] So I would just encourage them to go on the YouTube channel and take what you can from it.

[00:14:50] And you can reach out to me at, info at MamieJonesTherapy.com and reach out to me and I will reach back out to you.

[00:15:00] Beautiful.

[00:15:00] I'll put some links to that in the show notes so our listeners can find that.

[00:15:03] Thank you so much again.

[00:15:04] It's been a pleasure to have you on.

[00:15:06] It's been a pleasure to be here.

[00:15:08] Thank you so much.

[00:15:09] No problem.

[00:15:10] And for our listeners, don't forget to subscribe, leave a review.

[00:15:13] This makes sure that you don't miss out on our next episode and that it helps others to find websites and our podcast so that we can help others.

[00:15:21] All right.

[00:15:22] We'll join you again next time.

[00:15:23] Thank you.

[00:15:24] Bye.

[00:15:24] Bye.

[00:15:25] Bye.

[00:15:25] Bye.