Louise Griffey: Navigating Pet Loss & Grief | E58

[00:00:00] Comparing losses obviously is difficult, but all loss is experienced at 100% and definitely for children because they don't automatically suppress emotions. They feel all of their emotions. So it carries a level of intensity for them, which is based on the uniqueness of the relationship. But children will often tell their pets their deepest secrets, as you might know, and all of their frustrations and their pets are their best friends. So when they leave, it can be very, very difficult.

[00:00:37] Welcome to the Pet Care Report Podcast by Pet Summits. Here's your natural dog healthcare host, Alora McKinley.

[00:00:44] Alora McKinley G'day everyone. Welcome back to another episode. Now today I'm going to be chatting to a very lovely guest to get some tips about navigating pet loss and the grief that comes with it. Now that special guest is Louise Griffey, who founded Life After Loss and is an advanced grief recovery method specialist.

[00:01:04] Now her journey began after enduring several profound losses, including the death of her two dogs and the end of a long-term relationship. Overwhelmed by grief and anxiety, she sought answers and discovered the grief recovery method. Now the program not only helped her heal from recent losses, but also unresolved grief from earlier in her life. Now Louise is dedicated to helping others navigate their journey through loss and find healing. Welcome to the podcast, Louise.

[00:01:34] Louise. Thank you so much, Alora. Lovely to meet you.

[00:01:37] Now, losing a pet, whether it's expected or it's unexpected, it's tremendously difficult. And pets play such a huge part in our lives. And there's also sometimes memories attached to our pets. And I know, especially for older people, when I worked in the medical field, sometimes it gives them a real sense of purpose and independence in a way.

[00:01:55] In your experience helping others to navigate this journey, how do you find owners generally respond to grief?

[00:02:02] With regards to pet loss, it's really individualized and it depends on the connection and the relationship that they have with their pet. And there could be, you know, pet parents or pet guardians that, you know, have outdoor pets and don't really have a really strong connection as if compared to maybe, you know, people that have had pets indoors that are living domestically with them 24-7.

[00:02:25] And so there's a wide range of responses that people will experience. But the people that I speak to have been deeply, deeply devastated and affected by the death of their pet, whatever pet that was in their life.

[00:02:37] There's no comparison. And there's no comparison really for them with human loss and pet loss. They do feel a bit judged, but the people that I speak to feel very alone. I want to maybe connect with others that have been through something similar. So I think that it's really dependent on the relationship they shared with the pet because it's very unique to them.

[00:02:59] And do you find that it takes quite a long time to get over this kind of loss?

[00:03:04] Yeah. And I suppose it's different for everybody, but there's no set timeline and there's no amount of weeks or months or years. It's really up to the experience. I mean, it depends on how the situation happened, the circumstances surrounding the death of somebody's pet. There's a lot of variables, but there is definitely no timeline for pet loss grief, really.

[00:03:26] Now, I thought it was really interesting. In an earlier podcast I did, we kind of briefly touched on how we deal with this loss and kids, because I know that's a really difficult thing to broach with children, because I don't really understand that, you know, that whole thing of death and losing an animal.

[00:03:43] Do you have any advice for parents on how to go about these kind of conversations with children when they may not fully understand it?

[00:03:50] Yeah, definitely. There's a few pointers that may seem quite obvious, but also when we think about it, the loss of a pet could often be the first major loss that a child experiences and we kind of forget to think about that.

[00:04:05] So comparing losses obviously is difficult, but all loss is experienced at 100% and definitely for children because they don't automatically suppress emotions.

[00:04:15] They feel all of their emotions. So it carries a level of intensity for them, which is based on the uniqueness of the relationship.

[00:04:23] But children will often tell their pets their deepest secrets, as you might know, and all of their frustrations and their pets are their best friends.

[00:04:31] So when they leave, it can be very, very difficult. And for a parent, your knee jerk reaction is to, you know, say, don't feel bad.

[00:04:40] It's OK, everything, you know, and if they ask questions about the death of the pet, I would definitely advise to tell the truth as to what's appropriate, like with regards to details.

[00:04:50] But to be honest, not just, you know, the pet went away to sleep, you know, just to say the word death and normalise that for the child.

[00:04:59] And then, you know, that really will help them with other loss experiences further on in their life.

[00:05:04] Creating safety really is really important for children so they can tell their emotional truth.

[00:05:09] And I think once they know that they can feel safe talking about grief, it's going to be really helpful for them in the future, if that helps.

[00:05:18] But yeah.

[00:05:18] Yeah, that's a great response. And talking about feeling full emotions, I've got a two-year-old and so she feels a lot of emotions and she doesn't hide anything.

[00:05:27] And sometimes that's easy. Sometimes that's hard to deal with.

[00:05:31] I can imagine.

[00:05:33] Oh dear. Now you mentioned that, you know, sometimes we can prepare ourselves for the loss of an animal and sometimes grieving starts before we've even lost them.

[00:05:43] You know, we may be grieving they can't do what they can do anymore or, you know, there is a timeline of how things progress.

[00:05:51] So how can we prepare for loss of a dog when they're diagnosed with a terminal illness or nearing that end of life?

[00:05:56] Hmm. And I think it's a difficult thing to talk about because often we're like, no, no, no, I don't want to think that way.

[00:06:02] I can't even imagine my life without my pet and that's such a natural thing to say.

[00:06:06] But if your pet has been given a terminal diagnosis or if they're very elderly nearing, you know, the end of their life, often the grieving process has begun and people aren't kind of aware of that.

[00:06:18] But the grieving process has begun for the pet parent or the guardian or whoever is looking after that animal.

[00:06:25] And I think that one of my top tips that I give people and I work with people pre-loss and post-loss.

[00:06:32] And really, if you can think of, say, we talk about bucket lists for us as humans.

[00:06:37] But if you think about your pet's bucket list and maybe go to the places that your pet loves the most, do the things your pet loves the most.

[00:06:45] If they're able for that, if they're health wise, if it's something they can do and try to tick those off.

[00:06:51] Because I know it can be really difficult because you are consumed with the ending of your pet's life.

[00:06:57] But your pet is still alive right now with you.

[00:07:00] And really to just grab that by both hands and spend as much quality time with your pet.

[00:07:06] I tick off those bucket lists.

[00:07:08] And if you're having concerns about quality of life, really discuss that with your vet and really have an open conversation.

[00:07:15] And really kind of feel that how can I, you know, embrace these last few days, weeks, months with my pet as best as I can.

[00:07:24] And don't forget to verbally tell your pet out loud.

[00:07:28] Verbally tell your pet how much they mean to you.

[00:07:31] Because communicating that directly, I know it sounds silly, but just looking at them and telling them, I mean, it's going to be really helpful because the grieving process has begun.

[00:07:41] So there's a few tips.

[00:07:43] There's some really wonderful ideas there.

[00:07:45] Now, what are some signs that might indicate that the owner is struggling with the grief?

[00:07:52] Because that plays a huge role.

[00:07:54] And what might indicate that they may need to seek further professional support?

[00:07:58] Mm hmm.

[00:07:59] So I suppose when we're speaking about grief and when I kind of like to describe it as do you feel stuck in your grief?

[00:08:07] Do you feel that you haven't traveled through it?

[00:08:09] But if you're feeling stuck, so the grief might become complicated.

[00:08:13] Sometimes it's referred to in that language.

[00:08:15] But if you're feeling that you have kind of intrusive, troubling, like rumination thoughts about like the circumstances surrounding the death of your pet, that's something to signify that, you know, you're really struggling, feeling stuck.

[00:08:32] If you have an intense reactivity to reminders of the loss or like excessive avoidance of places or the area where an accident happened, for example.

[00:08:43] If you have that excessive reactivity or avoidance, that is another sign.

[00:08:48] And also that unrelenting yearning and longing and just despairing sadness that is happening daily for you.

[00:08:58] Like just preoccupied with the thoughts of the memories of the end of the life of your pet, like those last few days.

[00:09:07] So like there's also something I went through was just a feeling of no purpose anymore and a lack of joy in my life.

[00:09:14] So that that was another sign that the grief was stuck and I was experiencing really challenging, complicated grief that I had to seek professional support for myself after the death of my dog.

[00:09:25] So if you're experiencing any of those, it might be a sign to reach out for help, whatever that looks like for you, whether that's talking to a grief recovery specialist, therapist, counsellor, joining a support group or, you know, like trying to reach out to others who you feel may have gone through something similar.

[00:09:41] It can look different for everybody.

[00:09:43] I think that's a really important message because often we feel these feelings, but then we just say, oh, you know, it's just a dog or I should I should be able to get through this.

[00:09:52] But sometimes it really helps just to talk to someone and get that outsider feedback.

[00:09:58] Definitely.

[00:09:59] And it's definitely a case of the loss can can occur in many different ways.

[00:10:04] And loss is just not about death when it comes to pet loss.

[00:10:07] I mean, some people have to rehome their dogs.

[00:10:09] That's grief.

[00:10:10] And some some dogs or animals just disappear.

[00:10:13] And that can be really devastating for people to come to terms with that because they don't know what happened.

[00:10:18] So there's so many different forms of loss in pet loss.

[00:10:22] And now light after loss.

[00:10:24] So this is something you founded.

[00:10:26] Can you tell us a little bit more about how you help pet owners through this process?

[00:10:31] Yeah, I suppose I touched on it briefly a few minutes ago, but both of my dogs died within 24 hours of each other back in 2019.

[00:10:38] And I felt that I was completely alone and I found it difficult to explain my emotions.

[00:10:46] And everything that I was experiencing was really distressing.

[00:10:50] PTSD and panic attacks and really bad anxiety that I'd never felt before.

[00:10:54] And I struggled to communicate that to people close in my life.

[00:10:59] And also found that because they hadn't had such a strong bond or connection with pets, I didn't feel quite comfortable to open up about that, which is normal and natural.

[00:11:09] But I guess what started it off was I just was journaling all of the time.

[00:11:14] I journaled about my whole pet loss experience.

[00:11:17] I decided then to turn that into a podcast and read out my journal entries on my own podcast.

[00:11:24] And I just kind of the business just formed from there.

[00:11:27] It wasn't even planned.

[00:11:28] And it just, I started up an Instagram page.

[00:11:31] People were sharing their stories with me.

[00:11:33] I decided to get certified with the Grief Recovery Institute and did lots of courses and, you know, armed myself with the knowledge that I needed.

[00:11:42] I also did a lot of healing myself before then helping others and supporting others through this.

[00:11:48] So my own pet loss experience was the inspiration for now, light after loss, really.

[00:11:55] Yeah.

[00:11:55] And is this something that you do?

[00:11:57] Is it just like a one-on-one session?

[00:11:59] Do you do a program with them?

[00:12:01] Can you tell us a little bit of what that looks like?

[00:12:03] Yeah, there's lots of different things.

[00:12:05] I mean, I have the podcast, which people can listen to for free.

[00:12:09] I have Patreon, which people can connect with me and do, you know, Zoom sessions as a group.

[00:12:15] There are one-to-one Zoom sessions.

[00:12:17] There are group sessions.

[00:12:18] And in particular, the program is a six-week program that I offer.

[00:12:23] And that's Grief Recovery Method Program.

[00:12:24] It's evidence-based grief program to help people, specifically designed for pet loss as well.

[00:12:31] So there are quite small groups online, which is good because, and people are from all around the world that come on these groups.

[00:12:37] And it's just amazing.

[00:12:38] And they're in the comfort of their own home.

[00:12:40] They're grieving.

[00:12:41] They're already, you know, struggling to do the daily tasks.

[00:12:46] And they don't have to worry about going anywhere to a location.

[00:12:49] They can just turn up and they're in their own safety place, like at home.

[00:12:53] So I think, and only recently I've designed some pet loss workshops.

[00:12:59] And there are two, there are pet loss for when somebody's just experienced pet loss.

[00:13:05] And there's another one, which is pet loss guilt, because I don't know anybody I haven't spoken to that hasn't talked about the guilt they feel following pet loss.

[00:13:13] Be that euthanasia or any other kind of circumstance.

[00:13:18] So there are lots and lots of ways.

[00:13:19] And I just want to try and continue to design and, you know, make so many helpful resources for people because it's so badly needed.

[00:13:26] It really, really is.

[00:13:27] People are crying out for help.

[00:13:28] And I think that that's what's important and helping people to feel less alone, really.

[00:13:34] That must be really rewarding for you.

[00:13:36] You know, if you get someone come to you when they're in their deepest, darkest moments and they really need help and then seeing them progress and get back to some kind of life.

[00:13:47] It is so rewarding.

[00:13:48] And it just takes me always back to the love and the gratitude I had for the relationships with my dogs.

[00:13:56] And I think that it's just so plain and simple.

[00:13:59] It's just people want to be seen and heard and acknowledged and want to learn how to heal and feel better.

[00:14:06] And grief stays with us forever.

[00:14:08] But those people really want to just feel better and navigate life better because this is a new life for them.

[00:14:15] They often struggle wanting to get their own life back, but it's never going to be like that.

[00:14:21] So they have to learn how to form a brand new life with new adventures.

[00:14:24] And I think seeing that transformation is what's so rewarding and seeing them supported and feeling like they have healing in their life following such a tragic experience.

[00:14:36] Yeah.

[00:14:37] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:14:38] And if our listeners could take one thing away from this episode, what do you think that should be?

[00:14:43] Ah, there's so many that pops into my mind.

[00:14:46] But I think the one main one that I do talk about a lot is that no matter what anybody ever says to you, any judgment, if people laugh about the death of your pet, what's important is your grief is valid.

[00:14:59] No matter what, the circumstance or environment or what people say, it's valid and it matters.

[00:15:05] And it is a real form of grief.

[00:15:07] That's what I'd love to leave the listeners with.

[00:15:10] Love that.

[00:15:10] Thank you so much, Louise.

[00:15:11] That's been a really insightful podcast for our listeners.

[00:15:15] Now, if our listeners want to find more about you, maybe want to get in touch, how can they find you?

[00:15:20] Yeah, of course.

[00:15:21] It's been a pleasure.

[00:15:22] Thank you so much for having me.

[00:15:24] It's lovely talking to you.

[00:15:25] The best way to contact me is through my website.

[00:15:27] It is lightafterloss.ie and you can catch me there or contact me.

[00:15:33] That would be the best way.

[00:15:35] Lovely.

[00:15:35] I'll put a link to that in our show notes so our listeners can find that quite easily.

[00:15:39] Well, thank you very much.

[00:15:40] It was a pleasure to have you on.

[00:15:42] Thank you.

[00:15:43] And to our listeners, don't forget to subscribe, leave a review.

[00:15:46] You can leave a comment, maybe ask us some questions or give us a topic that you'd like us to discuss.

[00:15:52] This helps us to reach some more pet owners and make sure that you don't miss out on another episode.

[00:15:57] I'll see you next time.

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