Erica Messer: Navigating Dog Loss and Grief Support for Owners| E38

[00:00:00] It's really up to each individual to decide if they want another one and when the time is right. And so you really have to talk about it with people that you trust and ask yourself, can I give this pet attention and love the type that they deserve? Right, that's the most important thing.

[00:00:19] And to know that pet that you get is never going to replace the other one, even if they look identical, you can't expect that pet to act or behave or do the same things.

[00:00:32] Otherwise, you're going to be disappointed and maybe a little neglectful and resentful, which is not a great start to a relationship. Welcome to The Pet Care Report podcast by Pet Summits. Here's your natural dog health care host, Alora McKinley.

[00:00:54] Get a guys welcome back to another episode of The Pet Care Report. Now today is a bit of a tough episode for me. I lost my youngest dog back in May. She was only one and it was just a tragic accident.

[00:01:08] It's something that I still struggle with at some state, every pet owner has to navigate the loss of a pet.

[00:01:14] And so today I'm honored to be chatting with Erica, the founder of Wolfies Wish. After the heart renting loss at Wolfgang, Erica Parnier, the unique concept of pet loss, grieving cards, attaching way to navigate pet grief. Welcome to The podcast, Erica.

[00:01:29] Hi, thank you so much for having me here and for talking about this important yet delicate and difficult subject.

[00:01:36] And it's something that everyone has to face at some stage. Can you share with Alie Smith a bit about why he started Wolfies Wish and then the mission behind it? Well, I similar, I have a similar story and that Wolfgang was my cat and COVID companion.

[00:01:51] And he also died tragically and suddenly at a year and a half. And it was just indescribably devastating. Really hard to convey and even understand myself the depth of pain that I felt, the confusion that I felt.

[00:02:08] I was having some PTSD like symptoms. You know, I knew I needed some help and getting through this difficult time. I realized I was really afraid I was going to be stuck in my grief or stuck in sadness and really not move through this experience.

[00:02:25] So I was sharing with my mom what had happened and you know, how do I cope and I was looking for for affirmation cards right off the bat to be honest.

[00:02:37] Because it's a simple tool that I've used many times and I love that their daily digestible tips, tools and practices. And I thought, oh, if I can get something like this for pet loss, then I can work slowly through this experience.

[00:02:56] I couldn't find any. I did find a lot of books and I just didn't know which one to get. I didn't know how much of it I had to read.

[00:03:08] So fast-fomerate, I really kind of just sat in my chair, which is right over there every morning and had my coffee and a candle and just said, okay, what do I need to do today?

[00:03:24] To get through this. And I shared these things with my mom, which it was really simple stuff like having that candle to honor wolf gong every morning and light it nice still have it. I bought the same candle over.

[00:03:37] And they're sold out now so kind of panicked but anyway, we we talked and I would share these and she said, you know, I really think that you should make that deck that you couldn't find everything you're sharing with me sounds like really good ways that I would want to have.

[00:03:53] And we talked about this for many days, but my initial reaction honestly was, mom, I don't know how to do that and I'm grieving right now. I don't have any experience in that and I don't want to.

[00:04:07] After I got some professional counseling to help me digest what had happened and make sure that I was on a healing path.

[00:04:17] That counselor told me that all of my symptoms were normal and I always say that with a pause because it was such it was like the earth cracked a little bit.

[00:04:27] Because I went wait a minute, other people feel this way, I'm not special, you know, I'm not crazy something hasn't happened to my brain. And that was the pivotal moment where I called my mom and I said, mom, did you know?

[00:04:42] She said, yeah, I mean, I'm really devastated when my cat's die, she's a serial cat owner. And I said, well let's look into this some more, let's see, do there's everyone feel this how many people feel this way?

[00:04:55] And is it only, you know, pertinent to certain pets? Like what if you have a less common pet like a rabbit? Do you really grieve that? And the answer was yes, it's universal.

[00:05:11] And yet there's really it's still taboo to talk about, it's still difficult to talk about for some reason we went through this period of having pets for protection not that long ago.

[00:05:25] Or cats to get rodents and this common theme that's still talked about like it was just a pet. But now we have birthday parties for our pets and birthday cakes for dogs, you know, this is a really big change in this happened in just an our lifetime.

[00:05:46] So it's no longer permissible to say that phrase and I want to see that eradicated, what about you?

[00:05:53] Yes, it just depends what stage of life hearing like animals provide so much to us whether you're older and it's good company and encourages you to go out or whether it's younger and you want that for companionship. They just provide so much.

[00:06:07] Obviously you've done quite a bit of research along your healing process, what are the some impactful coping strategies or methods that you found to help individuals navigate the grieving process?

[00:06:19] Yeah, that's a really good question. It's something that I try to share as much as possible and when I made this deck of 30 cards to be read once a day.

[00:06:29] You know, of course I gave them to as many people as possible and said to these apply to you do like these to any of these not resonate with you do hate any of them.

[00:06:39] And the answer was no and so when is the simple things you can do is write a letter to your pet or write the story of your pet.

[00:06:52] I call it a love letter because I wrote probably seven pages of the things that I loved about Wolfgang, the reason that our bond was so special to me.

[00:07:05] And you know, I laughed and cried and it felt so good to get this on paper because I think a lot of us worry that we're going to forget our pets.

[00:07:13] We're going to forget the joy that we had we're going to forget their quirks and so some people will hold on to their grief and effort to hold on to their pet and those memories.

[00:07:25] But I know I have that letter tucked away and I'm going to read it in Laf and cry one day. So that's one really simple thing you can do. In fact, I found that so helpful and found that other people were doing that as well.

[00:07:37] That I made a love letter template which anyone can download from my website just as a starting point, but really you can do it in a journal right or whatever is comfortable to you.

[00:07:46] And how about getting another pet because I know some people like to well think that maybe if they just focus on something else. Maybe they'll be able to cope a bit better. What have you found in terms of getting him the other pet?

[00:07:59] Yeah, I found that it's really up to each individual to decide they want another one and when the time is right.

[00:08:07] So you really have to talk about it with people that you trust and ask yourself, can I give this pet attention and love the the type that they deserve right that's the most important thing.

[00:08:19] And to know that that pet that you get is never going to replace the other one even if they look identical. You can't expect that pet to act or behave or do the same things.

[00:08:32] Otherwise you're going to be disappointed and maybe a little neglectful and resentful, which is not a great start to a relationship right. For me, I waited I think three months and I adopted two more cats sisters because I needed one for insurance.

[00:08:49] We had it was not the we lost a cat just a year earlier and Wolfgang was my I hit do's the word replacement, but that's what he was and so then I lost him and I thought oh my gosh.

[00:09:02] All right, now I'm just getting to so that was a good fit for me and one of them bonded with my husband, one of them bonded with me and she completely healed my heart it's not the same.

[00:09:14] But I think my favorite thing I have to share is in the morning when I wake up.

[00:09:20] I know I have nicknames from my cats and I call her and she comes in and gets in the cooker my arm and that's how I start my day and I can't think of a better way to start my day.

[00:09:29] So you know just that little thing has made such a big difference to feel love and give love. I think that's what is so special about animals is that, you know we have a bond with them.

[00:09:41] And how that family and friends because I know sometimes people can say the wrong thing maybe they don't mean to. What do you think family and friends can do to help someone that's grieving a pit? Oh, that's such a good question.

[00:09:54] I think the best thing is to ask how can I support you? What would that look like? Can you tell me some things that I can do? Can I do some chores for you? Can I bring you some food? Do you want to watch a movie?

[00:10:08] Do you want to be left alone and really just communicate because those things are going to change from day to day. And they're never going to be the same for any person. So it's just best to have a conversation and let them know you care.

[00:10:22] And then to never say it was just a pet or just get another one. I know everyone's trying to be helpful and they really don't know what to say.

[00:10:31] So that's why I like to advocate to just have a conversation on what showing up for that person looks like and just saying, I know this must be really hard for you is even better than saying I'm sorry if you're lost because that's just a little complicated.

[00:10:50] Right? And it's a delicate situation. And I think these changes can happen gradually over time and we will no longer have that stigma of it was just a pet where you so upset. It's time to move on.

[00:11:04] You know, you would never hopefully say that to anyone who has lost a family member, a human family member and I have so faint pets or family. So at least now they are.

[00:11:17] Yeah, and I was just going to for me something that I found really really beautiful. My dog's name was Poppy and some people sent me some flowers with puppies in them or maybe they sent me a sticker of a puppy. Those things like that.

[00:11:31] Just show that they cared and it was really nice and there's something that I remember. Right. That's beautiful.

[00:11:37] I want to create a association that's really easy because then when you see them growing or you know, you see pictures or wherever they show up right there was it of us. Although that's kind of a bad connotation isn't it?

[00:11:51] But it's like the little signal to you. It's a little signal to you. Yeah, it reminds me of the people that sent it just how much they care because they are not thought they're putting to them.

[00:12:01] So thinking about that. Anyway, how that pet professionals? What can they do? Maybe if they're client is losing their pets? What can they do to help?

[00:12:10] Yeah, that's a really hard question to answer because I think that the pet professionals also grieve and feel a little uncomfortable, you know, revealing that. And I think it's again good to have an honest conversation.

[00:12:26] And for I know some pet professionals that have been with a family when they had to say goodbye and didn't in home, you can name it. And how beautiful to share that experience with someone that also loved your pet like family.

[00:12:40] And to ask that fan, you know, just have a conversation. The same thing. How can I show up? And I, is it okay that I share with you, you know, that I'm grieving too and I'm missing, you know, Poppy, your wolf garner or whoever the pet was.

[00:12:56] And then to just respect people, respect that they're, they're timing and their, their grieving process is going to be different until having open heart. And I don't think you could go wrong. Great. When you speak from your heart.

[00:13:12] Now we've emphasized the importance of celebrating adults lives. You know, sometimes we do birthdays or we do the anniversary when we picture them up. Can you share some ways pet owners can create lasting tributes or memories that honor the bonds that they shared with their very companion.

[00:13:28] Oh, Russia, there's so many and I have to say that I just celebrated and I say celebrated the passing of both gone on October 9.

[00:13:38] And it's the second year and I had a little cake with my family. And we just honored him in a way that was meaningful for us. And that it may be feel good.

[00:13:51] And that's the important thing is to think of, it can be anything. What is going to make your heart feel good to remember your pet.

[00:14:00] And the first series of their death can be really hard. And so I've created a monthly memorial tribute where I play harp on Instagram and I have people add in the pet's names and the comments.

[00:14:12] So finding community, I think is really important any stage on your grief whether it's been, you know, one day or 10 years because those are people that will relate and understand and get you and support you.

[00:14:24] Which is ultimately what we all want is to be validated and understood and felt cared for. Some other things I've seen people have little, if you want to call it a shrine or altar or dedicated space in their home where they can put some of their pets belongings and photos that they can see free, whoantly and so feel that they're connected to their pet which is also really important is to find ways that you feel connected.

[00:14:52] You, personally, are lucky to have the symbol of a puppy which probably is more common than some people whose pet's names are just, I don't know, a normal name.

[00:15:04] Like, I'm thinking even the name lucky you know, you have lucky charms you have the empatrix say there's a lot of associations so having even a photo album that you can go to and remember your pet.

[00:15:20] I've got when I type in videos in my iPhone for example, I can see all those silly little videos that I took a wolf gong growing up as a kitten with an eye infection to.

[00:15:34] Well, why would call him if he was anything else he'd be a Tasmanian devil honestly and in the cartoon sense oh my goodness what this cat would not get into I do not know he was constantly entertaining us just making us laugh so that's really.

[00:15:49] That's really, really important as to remember the good times. Yeah and I know I've put some photos up on our wall of Poppy and I got to go to my daughter she's only one.

[00:16:00] I say, oh he's Poppy and we remember her that way so it's nice to keep them in real life and think of all the good times.

[00:16:07] Exactly exactly and even picking up new habits like if you join we have a support group and I encourage people to share things that are working with them and so you might find an adopt new thing.

[00:16:18] That you didn't think of which is why I think having a community of some sort of so important whether it's on Instagram and following some accounts like hours or others.

[00:16:29] To to celebrate the life of your pet with people that understand is that community, free for anybody to join. I'm just thinking if maybe I listed as one to want to jump on and get someone. Absolutely yeah absolutely it's Wolfies wish pet loss support group on Facebook.

[00:16:46] And we just ask that you are respectful everyone else and are agreed to be supportive. And we love to encourage members to share their story of how they met their pet or what the special bond was like.

[00:17:02] So it's a really warm and welcoming group and it's also administered by four pet loss counselors. So if you have questions you can post it and one of us will get back to you. I'm not a pet loss counselor.

[00:17:18] So I want to make that clear but I do facilitate the group and participate just about every day and I love it. So then for our listeners what's the number one tape that I can take away. We're talking about grief and loss of a pet.

[00:17:36] Yeah I think to you to just feel that you have support people do care and that your grief is important and your healing process is important. To not let people try to minimize it.

[00:17:50] In fact the bigger that you can sort of expand on those feelings, I think it facilitates your healing. So just acknowledge your own grief and pain and then it's normal and give yourself the space to move through it.

[00:18:06] Thank you so much Erica this is really great tapes and I found this is what I find out more about office waste hack and I do that. Oh yeah I think if you just a Google search we're growing so much but our website is wolfieswish.com.

[00:18:22] We also have wolfieswish.eu which has got an interactive tool. We're on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok so all the socials even Pinterest. That's why I said you know I wanted to have a platform for everyone whatever that looks like.

[00:18:39] So if you Google us you'll find what I'm pretty sure. Well kind of things because I saw you've got a blog on there. What kind of things can people find on your website? Yeah it's growing all the time.

[00:18:51] So like I mentioned we have this new interactive tool where it's called play with wolfie and you can. He's sort of like an oracle cat that will give you an affirmation for the day which is really fun. I've got YouTube channel with interviews with pet experts, a blog.

[00:19:10] We've got links to counselors. It's really full of stuff and then I mentioned the downloads are available to and you can even get a sample of the cards right now.

[00:19:23] I don't know that we'll leave that up indefinitely but for people that are curious about them I want to know how they work. We do have a download available now. About counselors because sometimes we do need a bit of extra support to help get us so pretty things.

[00:19:39] Yeah it's good to have someone that you can confide in and really talk to on a professional level that maybe you have questions that you don't want to put in a public group.

[00:19:49] Or maybe even bring up within your own family and definitely if anyone is having any suicidal ideation. It's really important to talk to you a professional I did and I'm not ashamed of it just shows how's the year and serious pet loss grief can be.

[00:20:05] Thank you so much Ericka I really appreciate you coming on today and educating us all on pet loss and grief. And for our listeners if you could follow subscribe leave a review if you found something interesting.

[00:20:17] This helps us reach more pet owners who might benefit from this information and as always we'll add lots of links in the show notes. Thanks for joining us and we'll see you next episode.